my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
