My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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