So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
