are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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