oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
