When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize