I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
