You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
did i just pee glitter
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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