Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
