You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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