garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
