I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
