I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
