His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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