I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
