Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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