happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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