im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
