Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
His hands were made for my vagina.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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