mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
