I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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