I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
