And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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