The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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