We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
