Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
