WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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