I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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