Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
