ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize