margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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