just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
