ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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