Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
