i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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