then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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