that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
