Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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