Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
