I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
