Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
