well you can't waste a boner
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
