She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
