My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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