i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Randomize
