lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
