party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
