i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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