What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
