She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
