I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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