Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I want to fling myself into the sun
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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