True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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