How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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