There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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