Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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