Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
