Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
