is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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