You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
